Up @ 5:30 am

My usual wake up time is 7:30 am. Today, 5:30, SNAP, BANG, I'm wide awake. Nothing new job-wise is posted on craigslist yet, so here I am, trolling the internet.

Last night I worked on a painting in watercolor for my girlfriend Kathy. I hadn't dealt with watercolors in forever, so it was fun. Going out in the mail today. Of course I was dumb enough to not take a picture. No matter, as the batteries in the camera are dead.

The living room that I so painstakingly decluttered is already becoming cluttered again. Must chat w/P regarding leaving his socks out. Ew.

Seems that S*d (my last job that I was "laid off" from) is now officially shut down. I'm not surprised, but to be honest, saddened. I never felt like I fit in there or welcome at all, but I cared about the place, and in the short 6 months I worked there, made 2 amazing friends. Speaking of jobs - still no bites yet. I'm going insane!!!! I miss getting out of the house and the feeling of purpose. I've always loved working - especially waitressing. The interaction with people, serving food that makes them happy, a little brass in pocket. Just keeping fingers crossed. Going back to a day job of sitting in an office would be nice too - regular schedule, weekends off, prime time tv, and most wonderful - holiday free! After 20 years of working in the industry, I have no problem working holidays, but I do draw the line at St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve. "Amatuer Nights" they are called in the biz. It's just awful. If I do ever wait/bartend again, I refuse to work St. Paddy's. I can tolerate (barely) NYE, but St. Paddy's is just silly.

"Put value on yourself" Bill Cosby

Sigh

Well, after P and I hit the jewelry place to see what we could get, we walked away with almost $200. Not the motherload we were hoping for. My $1,000 wedding ring from my first wedding was priced at $78. I kept it. It's worth more to me in sentimental value (okay, after the divorce, I put black diamonds in it and it's awesome). I would have let it go for $500. Oh well.

Still job hunting to no avail. I've moved beyond scared to terrified. There is the last resort of moving in with P's folks in 'Sconnie, but I really don't want that to happen.

I am still doing the zazen and painting and doing whatever I can to keep my self sane during this rough time. I get up every morning at 7:30 am and work the net job hunting. I chat with my girlfriends for ideas and hope and inspiration. I drink coffee and watch the news (halfway, it's rather depressing), The View, and Ellen (omg, I love her and she always makes me laugh). It's just so hard to keep up the faith. But if I don't, who will?

Keep on keeping on!

Bit of a Throbber Today

Didn't post yesterday as for some reason I woke up with a Black Cloud. Nothing, NOTHING could get rid of it. Not Zazen, not the 1 1/2 hours cleaning my craft room, not a fine, fine dinner with the hub watching a good movie. So, I did something that was pretty out of the ordinary for me. Being as the hub and I are on a super strict budget lately (rah, unemployment!), I try to not spend any money on stuff that isn't necessary. Yesterday I broke that rule. I bought a small bottle of gin and some tonic water. Guess I was figuring that if that damn Black Cloud was not going away, I'd have a little party with it. Something to the effect of "Hey, Black Cloud! How YOU doin'? Not going away? FINE, let's get it ON!" I didn't get hammered by any means, but got tipsy enough for that damn Cloud to get bigger. This is actually the reason I quit drinking more than a glass of wine or have a few beers during a baseball game in the first place.

Lesson re-learned, and I'm thanking the powers that be for coffee and dark chocolate again. See, what is horrid about it isn't that I woke up with a little bangover - that's no biggie. The most awful part is that I woke up with a super huge craving for a Bloody Mary. Sure, feed that demon again. Then the monster gets bigger. Luckily, the monster is kind of silly looking now and not half as intimidating as it used to be, so I can pick up my baseball bat and smack it back into its corner again. Silly Monster.

Okay. GOOD STUFF.

Brad Warner got a big shout out in Scene Magazine from Cleveland. Must call Scharf and have him mail me a copy.

Barb is having a spring cleaning/decluttering contest!

Today, going to declutter all the damn CDs we don't listen to and taking them to Cheapo for some extra cash.

P talked to the landlord yesterday and our super fantastic landlord is giving him some work. Not a lot, but a little something something to help us along. We really did strike gold when we rented this lovely little spot. Now, if I can make it LOOK as lovely as it is...

Once again, if you read this, you must care at least a little about me. Therefore, please sign up at Do No Harm.

This picture that Janice took of me at Art A Whirl last year always makes me happy. Good start to destroying that Black Cloud today!

Still Exhausted

Yesterday really did a toll on me, following around Knitty and LJ and trying to keep up with them. Also created a ning site for do no harm (please check it out and sign up) do no harm at ning and also check out their main page do no harm main.

I've also been working on my personal ideal of Do No Harm for fliers to hand out at this year's Art A Whirl.

Taking yet another time out to work on the flier and maybe some sewing and knitting. Who knew trying to spread the word of DNH, Zen, and Zazen could tire one out?

date!

After spending nearly a year being horribly and awfully jealous that two of my best friends live 600 miles away from me and get to spend a day together almost every week (without me!), I thought of something... Virtual Date Day!

We texted each other and took pictures of all that we did. I tried my best to take whatever they were doing and incorporate it into my day. I think it came out well.

Let's try this link!

Okay, I swear, between blogger, photobucket and flickr, it took me a half hour to deal with at least linking this. Whew.

Today, I also started working on my personal manifesto for do no harm. I want to hand out as many fliers as I can during Art A Whirl.

More tomorrow, as I'm exhausted.

Disaster Yesterday

And I won't go into it.

Today...GREAT.

Decided that to make up for such a yuck day yesterday, I had 3 dark chocolate Dove squares for breakfast with my coffee. Pffffffffffffffft! Then later for lunch, I had some cheese, carrots, crackers and more coleslaw. Dinner tonight is leftover potroast (super yum)!

Today's big freaking deal!

Before:


After:

Got rid of that damn shelving unit that stored dust and sewed up a curtain for the DVD shelving unit. MUCH BETTER.

More tomorrow!

Is Having Coleslaw for Breakfast Wrong?

We were out of milk for cereal, and I wasn't about to cook up an egg (or anything else). I poked my head in the fridge and saw the slaw I had made the other day. Since it is vinegar based (as compared to mayo), I looked at it as my first serving of veggies for the day and rather healthy. Either way, it's much better than skipping breakfast altogether!

The past 2 days have been about purging and decluttering. I decided that those two steps were the best start for me to keeping a clean house. My biggest concern is keeping my hub, P on board. He calls ME a packrat (which I am/was), but I'm chucking things left and right, and when I ask him about something of his that hasn't been touched in years, it can't go. Gar. Don't get me started on his huge Rubbermaid box of rock t-shirts that are second only to the Holy Grail. I've asked him several times if I can take them and make a quilt out of them for him, to no avail. So, these paperthin, unwearable t-shirts sit in a huge box. All I can do is breathe. The coffee table is nearly cleaned of clutter. I went through some books and earned $11.00 from taking them to Half Price Books. I decluttered the shelving unit by the door and the crap basket that's on top of it. That shelving unit will prolly go curbside next week, as it's very old, kinda falling apart, and really scrappy looking. Today, I'm trying to make a curtian for the 6 foot tall unit that holds all of our DVDs. At least it would hide the DVDs and make for a neater looking room. I cleaned out my horrid horrid desk drawer. Today I tackle the top of the desk.

List of things today:
*Dishes - via flylady, tonight and every night
*Swish and Swipe - via flylady, every morning
*Make curtain
*Clean top of desk
*Resumes out
*If I still have the energy, tackle the corner by the desk (another nightmare) - Yep, that's the super scary BEFORE picture!





*Knit during prime time or work on ATCs that have to go out tomorrow
*Throw Potroast together for dinner into crockpot

Yikes - go me!

Adventure Abounds

Friday, I didn't get much done - sat with a friend for a while and chatted, P made dinner for all of us and I crashed early (as usual lately). Saturday, well, that wass another story.

My girlfriend Cheryl and her boyfriend picked me up at 8:30 am. She had called me on Friday night, reminding me that I was to be her date for Valentine's Day and attend the KnitOut at the Mall of America. After riding the light rail down to the Mall, we sat and had coffee and scones and planned our day. Cheryl's boyfriend left to go prepare a special dinner for her later, and we were off. I knew I was looking for Kneesocky from Glitter, and only had a vague idea of what she looked like. Unfortunately, most of the KnitOut was spent standing in line. The most disappointing was about a 45 minute wait in the Lion Brand line, only to discover the only thing they were handing out were the super sized tote bags that they gave you WHILE standing in line! Clover was giving away knit lites! Size 15 and this crazy lime green color. I have the 10 1/2s in pink and while I adore them, they are a bit slickery. Who am I to say no to free needles though? The coup though was the Patons line. An hour wait. Cheryl and I spent our time chatting with a couple of women ahead of us and a really nice guy, "Eddie, the Juggling Magician", who held his wife's place while she ran around a bit. Now THAT is a Valentine's Day gift of true love. This is also where I finally found Kneesocky. Patons was our last attempt of the day, due to exhaustion and the subtle torture of the line mostly being in front of The Rainforest Cafe. Between the recorded monkey screeches, the peppy music, and the walking frog mascot (which I found terrifying and did NOT want him out of my sight), I really thought I was going to lose it. Being hot and sweaty, I had taken off my jacket and hoodie and pushed up my sleeves, revealing my Jack Skellington knitting tattoo. The first gal behind the counter noticed it and said "OH! I have a skully knitting tattoo too!" and showed us the one on her upper back. I recognized it from the message board we had met on and squealed - I had found Kneesocky! Jumping up and down and hugging proceeded. She promised to meet me later in downtown Mpls. We grabbed the best schwagbag ever (3 skeins of yarn, books and books of patterns and a crochet hook) and Cheryl and I were off. Parked our asses at one of the restaurants and had a few drinks with lunch.

I returned home, and after a little rest, P and I went to pick up Ms. Kneesocky at the light rail station. Originally, it was going to be just myself, but P offered as my V-Day gift, to chauffer us around (as I am unable still to drive). We got shots of First Ave (Mr. Kneesocky is a huge Replacements fan), and then took her to The C.C. Club where The 'Mats filmed their video Achin To Be. Off to Grumpy's Downtown for another round, then back to the light rail stop. I know that meeting people you know only from posts online IRL can often be awkward, but this was not one of those times. Kneesocky is a wonderful, charming and fun girl. I was sad to say goodbye to her and truly wish that we lived much closer to each other. She's one of those girls that can easily become a close friend in no time.

Today's list:
*Living room. NO EXCUSES.
*Painting
*Go pick up P's receiver from old job w/o any drama
*Knitting during prime time

Mindfulness, Quitting Smoking, and the Story of John

I'm embarking on probably attempt #9 in my lifetime to quit smoking. What has been helping are the mindfulness exercises that I am still working on. I don't smoke randomly anymore. I used to light up just out of habit - the worst was sitting here at the puter and chain smoking. An hour and a half of blogging, chatting, sending out resumes later, I had gone through half a pack without even knowing it. Gross. Seriously. Worse, the times that I would light up, then say, have to feed the cats, get a cup of coffee, whatever, set the smoke down and come back and it was all ash. WOW. Both are a serious waste of money and what's the point of doing ANYTHING (esp something that costs money) if you don't enjoy it? Now, I don't light up unless I can sit there and concentrate on what I'm doing. This cuts my smoking down in half, and most of the time, I don't even finish the damn thing. Smoking is actually boring if that's all you are doing and concentrating on. This is working much better for me than the patch ever did.

The Story of John:
I was on the bus on my way home from my interview on Monday, feeling a little down/frustrated about the entire job situation and trying to read "Dharma Punx" by Noah Levine. At one of the stops, a pair of blind men boarded. You could feel the sudden uneasy shift of energy on the bus as the men searched for seating. I got a little fed up and when the second man was within a foot of me, I said that I had an empty seat. He smiled and sat down next to me. I was starting to go back to my book when he stuck out his hand and introduced himself as John. I shook and told him my name. Slowy, a conversation began. He asked a lot of questions of me (just basic, "are you from here", "what do you do", "kids" type questions. I answered and asked some in return and this is what I got...

John was born and raised in Dallas, TX. After high school, he joined the armed forces and was sent to a post outside of Denver. This is where he lost his eyesight, 3 years ago. He did not volunteer up information how, and I didn't feel the need to ask. I automatically said "I'm sorry" when he told me about when he lost his eyesight. John paused, and said, "It is what it is. I just have to work around it." This coming out of a 26 year old man's mouth. There I was, having a small pity party about my life, and this wonderful young man sits next to me and offers up these lovely words of wisdom. And the timing could not have been more perfect, due to my eye infection and my encompassing fear of losing my eyesight. After losing his eyesight, he was sent here to The Minnesota School of the Blind and has been here ever since. I touched his arm and said, "All of us are handicapped in one way or another. Most of us just have the luxury of hiding it." John was quiet for a moment and then agreed with me. The next stop was his, he shook my hand and we both agreed that it would be nice to bump into each other on the bus again. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face for several hours after.

Duties today:
*Send out 5 more resumes (3 already done)
*Make chili and put in crock pot
*Work on sister painting to first completed one
*Make a few phone calls regarding references on my resume
*Clean up living room

That's it. I don't want to push myself too hard. I have an interview at a Temp Agency tomorrow. I hope I bump into John.

Blog Challenge

I forgot to mention that yesterday, LJ and I created a blog challenge between us. It was originally her idea to post a list of things to do in our day and do them. We started out good, but both slacked. Now, we HAVE to. Things for today:

*Finish cleaning other half of kitchen (did 1st half yesterday and that wasn't even on my list!)
*Meditate (after I blog)
*Clean my self up (this does NOT count as shoving dirty hair under hat and going out in a hoodie and jeans), and meet a friend for a drink (she's buying!)
*Throw down coat of paint that I didn't do yesterday (but I cleaned 1/2 kitchen, so that's counts as a cancel out)
*Send out at least 3 more resumes
*Knit during prime time to finish sister in law's very tardy Xmas gift

This morning, two interesting things happened to me. On TBS, the movie "American Beauty" was on. I had never seen it. Watching the characters change, grow, and become aware of their own realities rather struck a chord in me. Especially Kevin Spacey's character. I also finished the book "Hardcore Zen, Punk Rock, Monster Movies and the Truth About Reality" by Brad Warner. This, in the acknowledgments (yes, I read that part of the book), smacked me right between the eyes...

"Don't ever be disappointed with what happens in life because sometimes you don't know when someone is doing you a tremendous favor. Seriously."

Also the following quotes from the chapter "The Great Heart of Wisdom Sutra", which sounds all deep and meaningful, but you have to understand, this chapter begins with a quote from Bart Simpson. Yes, that cartoon kid on tv, where he talks to Milhouse about how there is no thing as a soul. But I'm leaving that quote out. I'm sure everyone out there is fully familiar with that episode.

"Compassion is the ability to see what needs doing right now and the willingness to do it right now. Sometimes compassion may even mean doing nothing at all...stupid helpfulness is not compassion either."

"...I'll sit there and wonder, 'Will I regret it later if I don't buy this now?' Of course, you can't answer that question. People stress themselves out all the time over variations of the same question...don't get too hung up on the future. The future is out of your control. Enjoy what's happening right now. Do what is appropriate, what is right, in the present moment and let the future be the future."

I could go on, but then you wouldn't buy the damn book. And I think you should at least check it out from the library.

In the past few days, I have also started (very shakily) attempting mindfulness. Rather than my old routime of waking up, stumbling to the kitchen to put on the coffee, turning on the news and sitting in a fog staring that the super wonderfully cute Matt Lauer, I've taken a different path. I wake up. I stretch out the creaks. I sit lotus and try and remember my dreams for a few minutes (I don't really recall my dreams, but if I can't, I focus on my day). I go to the kitchen and wait for the really cold water to come out of the tap. I smell the coffee when I open the bag. I more carefully judge how much coffee to put in the filter. While I wait for it to brew, then I turn on Mr. Matt Lauer and actually listen to what he is saying about world events and whatever propaganda is du jour, rather than gazing emptily at the tube. When the coffee is ready, I take the time to smell it and give a little thanks for this amazing thing that is called COFFEE. I've always loved coffee, but now I appreciate it. All of that only takes me an extra 5-10 minutes (depending on how long I reflect), and the difference in my day has been amazing. And rather than sitting on the couch with Mr. Lauer and having my breakfast with him, I turned off the tv and sat at the kitchen table and ate carefully. I remembered what food tastes like, rather than something to fill my belly and give me energy. Once again, it's the difference between "liking" something to growing to "appreciate" it and what role it plays.

Yesterday, on my way home from my job interview on the bus, I met the most amazing man named John. I shall tell this tale tomorrow, as this blog is now very long. "It is what it is".

God, this sounded all very woo.

5 Days Is Too Long

Between postings. Another thing to add to my list. I've learned that keeping myself as busy as possible during this unemployement bull is a great motivater. Today slacked a bit...

Did the stretching
Went on job interview
Sent out 3 more resumes
Talked to mom (trust me, this can be hard sometimes)
Will knit during "Heros"
Will do dishes
Will have monster salad for dinner with some fish on the side (eating well helps too!)
Will throw down a coat of paint on piece of work for spring's Art A Whirl (coming up SOON - May)

New goal - to spend less time on puter (except for chatting - limited to one hour a day at most - and sending out resumes).

Must. Stay. Motivated!

Yikes

Okay, doctor day today (thanks Melissa for the sweet comment - I didn't know anyone actually read my blog)! Will be keeping updates on what the hell is going on with my eyeballs!

Okay, goals for today (DAILY WILL DOS):

#1 Doctor
#2 Get Shepard Fairy and Coop signed silkscreens appraised
#3 Work on first painting for upcoming art show (first solid base coat on and sketched out already - time to color!), and ATCs

Daily duties (DAILY HAVE TO DOS):

#1 Dishes (moved this to everyday)
#2 Work on aprons
#3 Little yoga
#4 Art journal

Nothing too overwhelming. I can do this! Maybe by this time next week I can add one more thing to the WILL DO list!

Not The BEST Day...

So, I had total plans today to hit the road and go fill out a job application today for something that seemed fun. I got fussed up and poked my head outside to check the weather. I was nearly blinded, and not in a "golly, it's really sunny out today" sort of way. I mean it was BRIGHT and it hurt and things were fuzzy. This has been coming on gradually for a month, and I had no idea it was this bad. I have to turn down the brightness on the puter to read it, and dim lighting is best for me now. If I drive at night, I see halos around street lights and car headlights. So, I called my clinic.

Talked to a nurse for a while, and she told me they didn't really have the equipment to do a real checkup on my eyes. Basically, she told me to hit Urgent Care as soon as I can tomorrow (and since the hub and I are unemployed, talk to a Social Services Worker re: payment). This, my friends is really scary. I'd rather be deaf than blind (not to belittle either, but my painting and sewing are everything to me).

So, guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

Well, at least I can still paint and sew for now... Let's hope its something dumb that eyedrops can fix, and not something scary like, oh, cataracts or anything!

Good Day!

Okay, I didn't have time before I left home today, but these were my goals:

#1 Food Shelf Volunteer
#2 Clean off kitchen table
#3 Finish Dishes

I did all three!

My daily goals still are:

#1 Work on aprons (done!)
#2 Stretch (okay, a little after getting up - must do more)
#3 Sketch in art journal (I started working on my spring series for Art A Whirl, off of sketches, so that kind of counts)

Go me!

Ha - So Much For Goals

Well, it started out as a good idea, but I decided to take the weekend off. So, goals for today:
#1 Wash Dishes
#2 Watch Obama/Lauer interview
#3 Watch Cold Case
#4 Eat a lot of popcorn

Blowing off stretching, yoga, sewing (maybe), in lieu of nap.

Tomorrow, I get back to work. Even the unemployed need a day or two off. I send out 5+ resumes every day, work on the aprons/etsy shop every day, and clean. Today, therefore, I shall slack.

BTW: knittywampus